Grace in the Moment

To my best friend, who has put up with so much for me,

I’m writing you this letter for dual purpose; serving as both an apology and a promise. This is not only directed to you, but it is also an apology and promise to myself.

For as long as I can remember I have been trapped beneath the weight of my insecurities. I’ve been overcome by the lies that tell me I’m not good enough and that I’m not deserving enough. These lies tell me that someone like you couldn’t possibly care deeply about someone like me.

And so I search. I search between every line you speak, decoding what doesn’t need to be decoded and analyzing what doesn’t need to be analyzed. I search and I find the reasons that make these lies true. And in my newfound truths I create ideas. These ideas substantiate that if you don’t laugh, then you don’t care; that if you don’t come, then you don’t want to see me; that if you don’t do these things, then you don’t love me.

And in these misconceived perceptions I am deeply hurt. I am hurt by the things which you have not done. I am insulted by the words you speak in love. I am angered by the words you speak softly.

I envy those you love. And in my childish jealousy and unwarranted anguish, your answer and action will always be wrong, unless it is the answer or action I solicit.
These standards I hold you to are unrealistic, they are misconceived, and they are selfish. In my misconstrue impression, I have felt truly unworthy of love- of all love, not just your love. But this has been thwarted by your deep and caring love that you so evidently provide yet I so carelessly ignore.

And for every part of this, I am so sorry. I am deeply, deeply sorry for the hurt that I have put you through and the positions I have put you in. I am sorry for dismissing your sacrifice and discrediting your love.

friends2

As important as my apology, is also my promise. I promise to give you grace in the moment. In every moment. When you say something that I don’t understand, I will ask. When you do something that hurts, I will first examine my heart. If I am hurt because of my own selfishness, I will remind myself that you have other interests and investments. If I am hurt because you have wronged me, I will forgive you.

You have proven time and time again that you are indubitably deserving of grace in every moment and I promise to give you the grace you have earned.

Have grace in each moment with me also, as I seek to mend my insecurities and learn how to love and be loved.

This is my apology and my promise. You are my best friend and I love you so very much.

With so much love,
NH

 

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